How I Saved the World
by Badrang3
Summary: In which several minor characters reveal their own, often over looked efforts to aid the heroes and save the world
1. Asmodeus: Redwall

All characters and situations belong to Brian Jaques

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Personally, I think I'm discriminated against for the sole reason that I'm a snake. For some reason which I cannot comprehend, people take a strong distaste against serpents of every kind. This obviously sprouts from a deep seeded jealousy because we can win any staring contest. Perhaps it is because of this that my efforts to save Mossflower against Cluny the Scourge were never truly appreciated.

First and foremost, I would like to point out that I am a proud member of the woodland committee. I grew up there from an egg, learning the ways of the world from all my fellow creatures. And the one thing I learned was proper dieting habits. It is necessary to eat from the four food groups: grain, vegetables and fruits, protein, and dairy (though, considering there are no cows in the area, the latter has proven to be difficult). And I always exercise this handy little tidbit of health. Every morning I wake up, have myself a little cucumber sandwich (grain and vegetable), drink a nice glass of milk (dairy, although I still have no idea where it comes from), and finally, to get my fill of protein for the morning, I brutally maul an innocent woodland animal.

Oh yes, I can hear you all now. "Oh no, that horrible monster eats other creatures! What a brute!" This is a very narrow minded way of looking at it. True, I do resort to cold blooded murder to fill my belly, but what everyone seems to over look is that meat is a wonderful source of protein, which is necessary for a balanced diet. Everything I did was a lesson on proper upbringing, a fact of life often over looked in times of war. Who else was going to teach the dibbuns good eating habits? All those silly mice were all preoccupied with fighting and such! The way I look at it, I saved an entire generation from ignorance over that month long period. A modest effort, perhaps, but none the less noble.

And let us not forget that I myself aided those very same silly little mice. After all, I dislike rats as much as the next individual. Frankly, they taste terrible without ketchup, and they leave a bitter aftertaste. But despite my efforts to aid the Abbey Dwellers, I'm still viewed as a bad guy! Who was the first one to kill a captain? Me! Who took the initiative to keep our woodlands clean from various bloody corpses? Me! Who stopped that fox from making a getaway? Me! If they had just come and picked up the body, _like I asked_, we could have avoided that whole kidnapping case altogether. And yet I'm still treated like a villain! All because I asked for a monthly tribute of ten particularly plump and juicy moles! A reasonable request, I thought. I wouldn't mind if they were sick or crippled. Some mice just don't know a good bargain when they hear one.

Next we come to the case of the shrews. Yes, I did make many a good meal out of them. And did any body say "Thank you?" They should have, if they knew what danger they were really in! If they knew what those shrews had planned, they wouldn't sleep at night. Why? Well, let's just dissect the title Guosim, shall we? What does the U stand for? Union. That's right, these harmless little snacks were planning to topple our just and fair government and replace it with (I shudder to say it) **communism**! That's right, those harmless little commie shrews were bent on spreading the Red Scourge across the forest, undermining our very way of life. My actions helped nip the whole situation in the bud, lest it be dragged out for seventy odd years with several minor battles here and there. What a chilling thought.

And finally we come to the business of the sword. First of all, I wasn't the one who stole it. It was those nutty sparrows that took it off the roof, unless it's being suggested I can fly now. And the way that crazy one was swing it around (what was his name again? King Heifer, or something like that.) some one was liable to do themselves a mischief. All I did was take it so no one would get hurt. I fully intended to return it when I found the time. But of course, those cursed mice can't solve anything without violence, and they sent that one with the floppy sandals after me. Yes, I did chase and attempt to kill him, but if someone broke into your home, stole your things, and tried to kill you, how would you react? And then the little twerp had the nerve to cut off my noggin (luckily, it grew back). Does any one mind telling me how I'm not the victim here?

So there it is, my version of what really happened. Its facts like these that should be brought to light more often. But I'll bet no one will believe it, even if they were.


	2. Skrabblag: Mariel

I didn't want to be the mandatory large and scary creature in the story.

I didn't want to face off against everyone and their mother.

Heck, I didn't want to be involved in this whole escapade at all!

There I was, lying on my beach getting a nice sun-tan, with out a care in the world, when out of the blue some one comes and cracks me on the nut. Next thing I know, I'm working off a headache the size of a mountain in a crate at the bottom of a ship headed to who knows where. Like I said, it wasn't my choice to be involved in this thing at all. It was totally against my will the whole time that I be dragged into this mess. And whose fault was it? Those two sea-rats, that's who! Some rodents just have no respect for the indifference of others.

Anyway, we finally get to some island, I get shipped inside, and then I'm unceremoniously dumped into a pit in the ground. That's right, folks, I got dragged out of my island paradise to sit in some hole. That's kidnapping right there, not to mention wrongful imprisonment and harassment. Heck, I have an entire legal case against those two. But was any one willing to be my lawyer? No! Why? Racial discrimination, that's why! Every one should just get into the current century and recognize giant scorpions as equal human beings (or equal whatever-you-want).

So yeah, if there's any one who's a victim in this story, it's totally me! But who does everyone focus on? Good old what's-her-name who got chucked into the sea. "Ooh, look at me, I fight bad guys with my rope of doom!" Yeah, well if I wasn't stuck in this cursed hole for the duration of the story, I could have a shot at being a main character too! But noooo, I'm just a big scary scorpion. I don't get to be one of the heroes! When in reality, I have the same motivations as every one else (not to mention I ultimately save the day, but more on that later).

It occurs to me that the main driving point for this plot was to get revenge against the crazy rat who talks to bells. What's-her-face is angry because he enslaved her for a period of time. Old guy is angry because he's been in prison this whole time. Young whipper-snapper doesn't even have a legitimate reason to go after the rat other than he's got that fancy sword. Psycho-nut the wonder badger wants to kill everyone. But who has the greatest motivation to kill this guy? Me! Why? Because I live in a bloody hole! I had to listen to him talk to that bell (which, by the way, is terrifying). So who had the most character depth and motivation to go after the villain? Yours truly. Which is why I'm really the main character.

But enough of that. Let's discuss what it is I did to save the day overall. Oh gee, I don't know. If I recall correctly, I only killed the main and secondary villain! (Although, admittedly, the secondary villain I killed turned out to be a fake, but we'll call it a moral victory) That's right kids, I did it all! Not She-mouse, not Wonder-badger, me. Period. I did it all. And really, I don't know exactly how much more a creature can do to save the day then kill off the main baddy. I even made it easier for those rodents to get here in the first place. No one knows just how many sea rats I killed off, just so they wouldn't run into them on the way here. But did any one say "Thank you?" Only if their way of saying thanks you is to go ahead and chop me in half! I suppose Junior had to kill something to make this trip worth his time, but couldn't he have done it to someone who didn't just save his life?

And let's not forget who actually freed all the slaves. That's right, that was me too, though be it in a slightly less direct manner. I could hear them sneaking off in the night, when nothing is stirring, except the mice. And did I rat on them to the rat? Nope, I kept their secret. I didn't blow the gaff. If I had, maybe I would have been let out of my oh-so comfy pit of despair. But nary a word escaped by mandibles. Stupid ungrateful slaves, they never think of anything but their own freedom. Which brings me to the point of the actual freeing of slaves. Sure, all the wood land creatures are always taken care of. How about the large creatures who got dragged off their island? I get no respect, I tell you.

And finally, I tried to save the world by doing something no one else was capable of doing. I was the only one who tried to kill the badger. Alright, that probably sounds strange to everyone, but that's only because no one seems to realize what I did: The dude is a loon! Wacko! Psychotic! No body knows this, but he was secretly planning on taking over the world after this was all over. Luckily, I saw the danger in this, so I tried to fight him. But he managed to chuck me out of that hole, where upon I killed the insomniac. And as far as killing major characters go, two out of three ain't bad.

So there it is, my version of what really happened. Its facts like these that should be brought to light more often. But I'll bet no one will believe it, even if they were.


	3. Slipp: Bellmaker

I reckon it ain't fair that you people are always biased against us pirates. Oh, I know the reasons you give: We're bullies, murderers, thieves, blah blah blah. I know the real reason. We're not pretty. There are a bunch of critters running around doing the exact same thing, but people like them because they're handsome and such. Well, guess what? Pirates aren't supposed to be pretty! We're rough, we're tough, and I'll kick your face in if I'm driven to it! So shut up and listen why I saved the world!

For starters, I'd like to remind everyone how I went and lent your so called "heroes" my ship. Petty larceny right there. But does anyone get angry at them. No! Why? Because they're pretty! Hah, if I hadn't been on the beach, I'd have given them the what for. I paid for the Pearl Queen fair and square, the old fashioned way: I killed every one on board while they were sleeping. "Oh no, what a monster!" I can hear you saying. I'm a bloody PIRATE, remember? That's what we do! Get over it! All in all, it worked out for the best in the end. After all, they did in that no good brother of mine (mother always liked him best) so I'm willing to led it slide (or let it Slip. Hah! By thunder, I'm witty! I should get my own book.)

Also, I went and found those kids that the Abbey morons let run off. That's poor disciplinary action right there. If I'd been Abbot, I would have strung up the scoundrels by their tails with tarts just out of there reach. What do they do? Send them to bed without supper. What kind of lame punishment is that? Anyways, back to the point: I found those young'ns far from home, and out of the goodness of my heart, I didn't kill them. I had to listen to their completely incomprehensible babble for longer then I cared to. I had to rack my brains out figuring out who in their right mind would name their kid "Mousebabe." But I managed to keep my cool, and not lob their heads off and be done with it. If that isn't a gut sickening noble act, I don't know what is.

After I took my valuable time to escort the little scamps back to their Abbey, at no small risk to life and limb, I'm still treated like a bad guy. Why? Because I'm not pretty! Everyone liked that Ferahgo guy, with his nice blue eyes. He does everything I do and worse, but every body likes HIM! Any way, back to the point. I couldn't believe what these woodland sissies had been eating for all these years. Vittles so extravagant it would take an entire half a page to describe each one of them (but, let's face it, who in their right mind would do that?). These critters wouldn't last five seconds at sea. So I took it upon myself to whip up a nice batch of skilly and duff for those ingrates. But not the wimpy recipe, no, I made it like good old mom used to (she was always looking out for us). And does anybody say Thank You? Those mealy mouthed maggots treat it like it like sheer garbage! Some animals just don't know what's good for them.

And then there was "Song Night." More like "Censorship Night." Me and brick-for-brains (or whatever his name was) were going to give those Abbey Dwellers a real treat, singing a rendition of "The Slaughter of the Crew of the Rusty Chain." A nice little piece, full of educational goodness and deep thoughts. But what do those unintelligent illiterate idiots call it? A blood thirsty ballad! Huh, they probably only like low brow ditties about daisies and other namby pamby wastes of time. It's hard being a genius in a world of fools.

And then, I helped to accomplish something which all those whining sissies have been demanding for years. "Why can't there be good rats? Why can't creatures reform? Why can't everyone have pages of self pitying dialogue about how they want to become good?" BECAUSE WE'RE PIRATES! We don't do the whole "reform" mess. That's why we're such good villains, because the audience can hate us! But no, everyone is a critic. Knowing that we would never have any rest until we complied, I resorted to perhaps the most compassionate and noble action of any literary character: I abused Blaggut night and day, making him hate me and love the Abbey. Ergo, he's a "good guy" now. That's right, I was forced to ruin the career of a fellow corsair, an act which I've never fully recovered from. Still, the critics have something to work with now, so maybe they'll get off the baddies backs now and let us be evil again.

And finally, to everyone who rants about how I killed the old badger: Come off it. No one liked her until after I did her in. You're only kidding yourselves.

So there it is, my version of what really happened. Its facts like these that should be brought to light more often. But I'll bet no one will believe it, even if they were.


	4. Gruven: Taggerung

I tell you, it's not easy being the Taggerung, Juska leader, and the hero of the whole story, but I manage. Luckily, thanks to my immense storage of modesty and courage, I handle it all with dignity.

I suppose I was always destined for greatness, ever since I was not but a wee stoat. After all, my middle name is "Zann," which means Great. But some creatures just don't want to admit it when they see the mark of magnificence. Take old Sawney Rath for instance; that rotten old ferret just couldn't handle that his own kid wasn't going to be the next Taggerung (that and the fact he couldn't get a wife for the life of him) so goes and kidnaps a poor innocent otter. Even though I had only just mastered blinking and yawning at the time, my natural good will and caring immediately caused me to feel sorry for the otter pup, and I swore I would return him to his rightful parents one day (I'm heroic like that).

It seems my worries about the otter were quickly misconceived, as he grew up to be a rotten old bully, who liked to torment me night and day with wicked shenadigans and highjinks. It didn't help that Sawney seemed to take great delight in my misfortune, and dubbed the otter the new Taggerung, even though it was so totally obvious that I was the one destined for greatness. But, as always, I kept a still tongue and held my head high, willing to concede Tagg this small victory (remember, modesty!). But my mother, who was a conniving old trout, kept trying to push me to do something rash and cruel, like (gasp!) kill Tagg, which I would never ever do, because I'm very, very genteel.

And so the years went on, until one day, Tagg (who, you'll remember, I never did anything remotely harmful to) went and ran off from the Juska. I was pleased at this decision of his, knowing that he would finally go off to seek his true parents and live the life he was meant to! That, and he killed off Sawney Rath which gave me the opportunity to rule the Juska. Hey, even naturally modest stoats don't mind an opening if they can get it. Besides, I never liked Sawney Rath. I mean, he really got on my nerves at times, the daft old… Ahem, please excuse me. I'm very kind hearted, honest.

Well, I was all set to lead our tribe to an age of prosperity with my wisdom and courage, when Grissoul (our tribes Seer, another meddling old trout) up and says "Ah-ah-aaaahh! You can only be the Taggerung if you kill the original!" Frankly, that's a stupid rule to begin with. My middle name is Zann, for crying out loud! I'm already the Taggerung! It was the otter who was the poser here! Why can't you all just… I'm sorry, I get upset every once in a while. Well the last thing I ever wanted to do was kill my old friend Tagg, but the tribe liked it, so I said okay; besides, if I was careful enough, I could just kill any old otter and say it was the right one. (Don't get the idea I'm dishonest, though. True blue, that's me.)

So off we went, me and a couple of others, to go and see if we couldn't hunt down Tagg. Naturally, through my magnificent leadership skills and heroicness, I was immediately loved by all those under me. All except for those two, Eefera and Vallug Bowbeast, two ingrates who were too big for their boots. Vallug was always going on about how he could beat my brains in with his pinky finger (so totally not true) and Eefera… well, he was just annoying. Anyway, using my magnificent skills as a tracker, I had followed the otter in question to the mountains (which I know he was hiding in), when those two malcontents scarper off, obviously intent on killing Tagg themselves! Now, as it has been pointed out, I was just going to kill a random otter, but they were going after the real deal. Knowing it was my duty to protect my dear old friend, I started to go after them, my loyal followers close at hand, with a determination to halt those ruffians once and for all.

Well, we had been going for a while, walking across the country side, doing good deeds wherever we went, when we came upon a big red building. I was just going to go and ask them if they had a glass of water when we (me, Rawback, and Dagrab) get jumped by Vallug and Eefera! While my compatriots groveled and moaned, I kept a dignified silence (remember, I'm heroic!). Well, as it turns out, they had cornered dear old Tagg in the building and were trying to get the owners to send him out. Well, I couldn't let Tagg give himself up like that, so I agreed after much persuasion to sling stones at the walls, in order to keep up the pretence that there were a lot more creatures out here, thus convincing Tagg to stay indoors and play it safe while my lightning quick mind worked out a plan.

But, sadly, Tagg's an idiot, and he ran out the door waving a sword around and, after getting shot, killed Vallug and ran after Eefera. I was so overjoyed that he was safe that I ran all the way back to my camp to tell them that I had accomplished my mission. But no sooner do I arrive then it turns out there's been a takeover bid by some nobody fox called Ruggan Bor. Geez, that guy was a pain. Oh, look at me, I'm a big scary fox who likes to take over tribes while no one is looking! If I had been there earlier I'd have given him the what-for! (Don't tell him I said that) Anyway, I tried to explain to him very politely that this was my tribe and he had no right to be here, considering I'm the Taggerung and all. And what does he do? He takes us all the way back to the Abbey to see if I had really killed the Taggerung. Some people just have no faith…

So we get there, and after standing still for a few hours, we finally attract the attention of the Abbey Dwellers, who then ADMIT that I killed the Taggerung! Seriously, an otter and a mouse vouched for me! What are the odds of that… Of course, I had already known I was the chosen one and all that, it's just nice to get someone else to admit it once in a while. Anyway, with that all over and done with, I thanked the otter (the dude looked familiar, but I can't put my finger on it…) and was about to give a nice little speech about prosperity and economics when that fox (who is nothing but a really big jerk) lobs my noggin off when I'm not even looking! How is THAT fair? After all my good deeds and honesty and I'm treating like some secondary villain! No respect, I tell you, no respect.

So there it is, my version of what really happened. Its facts like these that should be brought to light more often. But I'll bet no one will believe it, even if they were.

…No really, I'm totally honest.

Would I lie?


End file.
